


All's Fair in Love and War

by SHFanFics



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drunken Confessions, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, mostly feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHFanFics/pseuds/SHFanFics
Summary: In a world where almost everyone gets a soul mark when they turn 19, what happens when you find out your soulmate is your best friend... and he doesn't believe in soulmates... and he has a girlfriend who he's apparently very happy with?-or-For as long as they'd been best friends, Bellamy would go on and on about how he thinks soulmates are dumb and aren't real. What happens when Clarke turns 19 and gets her soul mark that matches Bellamy's. Combine that with the fact that she's been pining over him for years and that him and his girlfriend are very happy together. Will she tell him the truth? Will he even care?
Relationships: Abby Griffin & Clarke Griffin, Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin, Abby Griffin/Marcus Kane, Aurora Blake & Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Echo, Bellamy Blake/Gina Martin, Bellamy Blake/Raven Reyes, Bellarke - Relationship, Blake Family - Relationship, Clarke Griffin/Raven Reyes, Echo/Clarke Griffin, Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake & Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 66
Kudos: 183





	1. Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a new fix I'm gonna be working on so let me know what you think and if you're liking it! Kudos are amazing but comments are also so greatly appreciated so I can get a sense of what people think! Enjoy and comment below!

When Clarke Griffin was just twelve years old, she met a girl, Octavia Blake. Octavia was unlike anyone Clarke had met before and naturally, she was drawn to her. Their almost instant connection was not just one-sided, Octavia enjoyed Clarke’s presence just as much. Since that fateful day when they were assigned lab partners in 7th grade science class, Clarke and Octavia had become inseparable. The two spent almost everyday together in Clarke’s castle-like house given she had the space and the pool was an added bonus. It’d been like that for two years until the summer before 9th grade when everything changed.

It had been a quiet day of tanning by the poolside in their new bikinis and talking about the cutest boys at school when Clarke’s phone rang. Octavia had made a quick joke saying “ _who calls these days?_ ”, but Clarke didn’t hear it. Her mind was focused on her mothers broken voice on the other side of the line. To this day Clarke could never remember exactly what her mother had said over that heartbreaking phone call. Though she couldn’t forget the feeling of her heart falling out of her chest while she sobbed in her best friend’s arms, no matter how hard she tried. After that day everything was different.

Clarke had always been somewhat closer with her father, not that she didn’t love her mother but her connection with him had always been a little more affectionate. She never blamed her mom for this, she understood that people showed their love in different ways and for Abby, it wasn’t through kind words and hugs and kisses. The week before they entered high school, Octavia had attended the funeral by Clarke’s side. She held her hand when it was too much, and let her cry onto her shoulder when she needed too. Octavia was a good friend and Clarke had always known how lucky she was to have her.

Like I said, Clarke never blamed her mom for being less affectionate but she did blame her for the way she acted after the accident. She knew it was hard and that grief changed a person but she never expected what would come next. The school year had begun and Abby had almost immediately thrown herself into her work, coming home later and leaving earlier. Sometimes she would stay overnight at the hospital taking the extra shifts and leaving her daughter alone in the big empty house. Clarke hated it. Never in her life had she felt more alone than she did in those first couple of months. Sure she had Octavia, but to lose your father and then pretty much lose every connection with your mother was pretty traumatic.

There were a couple times when they had the rare dinner together when Clarke had tried to speak about her father and the accident but it only ever resulted in Abby slamming her glass of wine down a little too hard and announcing she needed to head to bed for an early shift. That night Clarke sat alone finishing her dinner as the silent tears streamed down her face. She put her dishes away and headed to bed and laid awake all night as her heavy thoughts clouded her mind. As supportive as Octavia had been, her father’s passing and her mother’s inability to acknowledge that she wasn’t the only one in pain, had been something she didn’t enjoy talking about. Octavia understood, she always did.

That year their daily hangouts in Clarke’s unnecessarily large home had become long gone. Clarke couldn’t stand being in that house without her father’s joyful laugh to fill the wide and empty hallways. From then on, they’d began to spend almost all their time in Octavia’s bedroom to the point that it wasn’t long before Clarke had a drawer of clothes of her own there. Her house was no mansion like Clarke’s but it was a home and it was cozy, Clarke loved it there. Octavia’s father had never been in the picture but her mom, Aurora Blake, had always been there for Clarke and she would never be able to express how thankful she was for that.

By the time 10th grade had rolled around, Clarke practically moved into the Blake house full-time, only going home to switch out her clothes or get the check from her mother. They barely saw each other anymore but she at least had the decency to pay for whatever Clarke needed. When it became clear to Abby that Clarke had pretty much moved, she had given Clarke a check each month to cover costs for food and her spending money. Clarke would give the check to Aurora to make up for her cost of living with the Blakes. At first the woman had been thankful but refused the money however after a hard month it became clear she wouldn’t be able to support a third child as a single parent and had graciously accepted the money for the extra groceries and supplies.

That’s right, third child. Octavia had an older brother, Bellamy Blake. From what Clarke knew at the time, they were half-siblings but neither father had ever been in the picture. That didn’t matter to either of them, even if they were only half related biologically, Octavia and Bellamy were brother and sister if she’d ever seen them. Bellamy was three years older than the two girls and she didn’t ever talk to him when they were younger. When Clarke had practically moved in, they’d become loosely like family, after all they didn’t have much of a choice.

At the end of their freshman year, Clarke had found out her boyfriend off one month Finn, had been using her to cheat on another girl. That night Clarke and Octavia sat up late as the latter cried into her best friends arms. The next day at school she was planning on avoiding Finn after not answering any of his texts or calls but turns out she didn’t have to. Octavia came and found her at lunch to tell her the news. Apparently he’d been in some sort of fight with a senior in the morning, well not much of a fight, she explained, more like an ass beating. That night when Octavia had gone down to get them some more popcorn, Bellamy knocked on the bedroom door. He’d come in to check on her claiming he heard some sort of rumour about what happened. Clarke was surprised to say the least but her confusion didn’t stop her from missing the purple bruises on his knuckles.

From then on things were different between them. Clarke and Bellamy talked everyday and became closer and closer with each passing day. By the time Bellamy left for university, there was not a single dry eye in the Blake family, including Clarke. He had taken the a year to help around the house, get a job and work on his writing but that year was up now. He was staying in the city but moving into the school campus because it was too far away to commute and he needed his own place to study and work. The cab was waiting outside with his bags loaded up ready to go. He’d already hugged Octavia and his mom and said his goodbyes when he’d gotten to Clarke. Bellamy wrapped his arms tightly around the girl and she did the same.

“Promise you’ll call me whenever you need to talk?” He whispered to her and she nodded and pulled away meeting his hazel eyes.

“Promise you won’t forget about me for a bunch of dumb sorority girls?” She asked laughing away the tears but his face was serious.

“Never princess.” He said with a soft smile. The nickname had started as an insult when they were fighting one night but quickly had morphed into a sweet and teasing name. It made her heart flutter, she knew it shouldn’t but it did.

“Bell promise you’ll call us as soon as you get your mark?” Octavia bugged him and he rolled his eyes. Bellamy was turning nineteen this year meaning he’d get his soul mark in November on his birthday. It was all Octavia had been talking about for the past week and Clarke could tell she was definitely way more excited about it than he was.

Getting to know Bellamy in the past two years she’d learned two things about him relationship wise. First, she knew he was good with the girls. Clarke couldn’t count the times her and Octavia had to blast the volume on their tv or go out for the night just to avoid hearing the sounds coming from his room. She felt bad for all the girls she watched leaving his room knowing they’d probably never hear from him again but he had quite a reputation with the ladies so she knew they probably had some idea it was always just a one time thing with him.

The second thing she knew about Bellamy’s love life was his belief in the whole soulmates concept or well, his lack thereof. For as long as she’d known him whenever the whole soulmates thing was brought up he’d made his opinion known. Bellamy didn’t believe in soulmates thing, he thought the notion of their being one perfect match for you out in the world was dumb. He told her that he’d want to choose who to love and soulmates are just a way to have your heart broken when things didn’t work out. One night he had said to her that he never even wanted to find his soulmate and even if he did, he’d want nothing to do with them.

Clarke had snapped herself out of her thoughts to see Bellamy reluctantly agreeing to call right after he got his mark. After that they’d all said their final goodbyes and waved as the yellow taxi pulled away from the quiet house.

…

On the night of his 19th birthday, he’d facetimed the two girls just like he promised. It was just past midnight when he called meaning he’d just gotten it. Octavia was practically jumping off the walls with excitement and Clarke had tried, and failed, to calm her down. Octavia and Bellamy could not have had more different views on the subject. As opposed to Bellamy’s disdain for the whole idea, Octavia loved it. The idea of soulmates, a perfect match, felt so romantic to her. She’d pretty much been counting down the days until her own 19th birthday since they’d met.

Clarke on the other hand, didn’t know how she felt about the whole thing. She wasn’t necessarily against the whole thing like Bellamy but she didn’t have the passion for it that her best friend did. Her parents hadn’t been soulmates but they did fall in love and she didn’t see anything wrong with that. Plenty of people ended up with some who wasn’t their match but still had love filled lives. She just didn’t know how she felt about the idea of spending the rest of her life with someone when a permanent mark on her body was telling her their was someone better for her out there. Clarke tried not to think about the whole thing too much, after all, she still had some time.

As soon as the phone began to ring, Octavia had answered squealing with excitement. He hadn’t seemed that impressed with it but in all honesty, Clarke thought it was beautiful. It was a small sized butterfly on his right upper chest but the creature’s second wing was composed of a bunch of blooming flowers. He was lucky, she wouldn’t call them ugly, but not all soul marks turned out to be as beautiful as his. 

That night they’d wished him a happy birthday and spoken for a little while before heading to bed. Octavia wouldn’t stop talking about soulmates and how excited she was to get her mark. Clarke halfheartedly listened to her best friend talk as her mind wandered elsewhere. She couldn’t stop thinking about how somewhere in this world their was a girl who’d get the same soul mark as Bell, a girl completely perfect for him, but that girl would never be her.

…

In the end, they’d both kept their promises. Just over two years had passed since the day he left for university and somehow in the past four years, Bellamy had managed to become one of the most important people in her life. He had definitely become her best friend alongside Octavia and Clarke was so grateful to have both the Blake siblings in her life. The only problem was, she had fallen so helplessly in love with him and she hated herself for it, she was nothing more than a friend or sister to Bellamy and nothing would ever change that. No matter how many times she told herself that, it didn’t change the way her heart fluttered every time he flashed her his kind smile.

Through the years Bellamy went through many girls, none of which Clarke liked, but he’d never found his soulmate, not that he’d been trying too. After all, Bellamy Blake didn’t believe in soulmates and even if he did, he was only twenty-two, if he wanted to be with his soulmate, he still had plenty of time to find her.

Clarke and Octavia were both in their first year of university, Clarke at Arkadia State studying medicine and Octavia following in her brother’s footsteps at Ark University and College but in teachers college rather than studying history like her brother. She had to admit at times it was lonely, the Blakes were her family now and going to school four hours away from them was tough sometimes. It wasn’t like she didn’t have any friends, she met plenty of great people, but no one quite like Octavia or Bellamy. 

She made sure to call and text them both as much as possible and Aurora as well but between studying for her fast approaching midterms and keeping up to date with her classes kept her real busy. Christmas break was fast approaching and with that her birthday as well and that meant she’d have the two weeks off to go home and spend time with her family. The break started on December 22 and went about a week into January and she couldn’t wait! Her birthday was on the 27, just after Christmas, and seeing as it was her nineteenth she would be getting her soul mark. That had her incredibly nervous which wasn’t the best to be when studying for an exam.

Octavia had gotten her mark a couple months ago in July when they were all home for the summer before packing up for university. After all the years of excitement, Clarke had expected the night to be insane but surprisingly, Octavia had been quite calm about the whole thing. Her mark was stunning, a beautiful little humming bird on her right wrist. Octavia loved it and had been overjoyed that night.

It was only a month ago when Clarke had received a call from a half panicked and half excited Octavia screaming into the phone. Apparently she had found her soulmate with the matching hummingbird mark. To say the very least Clarke was surprised after all, it had only been a month and she found him already. In the end she was endlessly happy for her best friend and was so excited to meet the lucky guy. Octavia had told her all about him, his name was Lincoln and he was five years older than them, which didn’t blow over too well with Bellamy. She told him that he has the kindest heart and was just so perfect. As horrible as she knew it was, Clarke couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of her friend, not necessarily for finding her soulmate, but for being truly happy and in love, something Clarke longed for but knew she couldn’t have because she couldn’t have him.

She was all packed up and ready to get on the train home tomorrow to see everyone and finally meet Lincoln. She had an early train home and Octavia was supposed to pick her up from the station because her and Bell were already home. It was a little weird that Bellamy couldn’t come as well to see her at the station but he said he was busy and would see her as soon as she got home. Clarke understood of course, but she had to admit it did hurt a little that there was something more important than seeing his best friend who he hasn’t seen for months. Clarke fell asleep excited for tomorrow with dreams of seeing Bellamy Blake on her mind.

…

The ride back to the city had been pretty good. She was in and out of sleep or scrolling through her phone for the majority of it. When the train halted to a stop she had grabbed and her bags and texted Octavia to let her know she’d arrived. She got a quick reply back saying she was at the gate and couldn’t wait to see her. The second Clarke stepped off the train and saw the raven black hair of her best friend, she was running, suitcase trailing closely behind her. Within seconds they were in each other’s arms squealing and practically jumping up and down. After a moment they pulled away to talk.

“I missed you so much!” Octavia yelled as they began walking towards the parking lot entrance.

“Not as much as I missed you guys!” The blonde said back and Octavia rolled her eyes.

“Trust me if I could trade places with you I would in an instant. Let’s just say seeing your big brother around campus everyday isn’t the most rewarding experience.” She sighed dramatically and Clarke chucked, playfully smacking her shoulder.

“Well at least you get a full two weeks with me before going back to that.” She laughed.

“And trust me, it couldn’t have come sooner! I’ve been counting down the days!” Octavia joined in on the laughter as they got into the car.

On the ride home Octavia wouldn’t stop talking about her birthday and all the ways they were gonna celebrate no matter how many times Clarke insisted she just wanted a nice dinner with her family. Talking about her birthday led to talking about getting her soul mark which Clarke quickly changed topics to Octavia’s soul mark and Lincoln. He was supposed to come over tomorrow, wanting today to just be about Octavia and Clarke. He seemed like a great guy for Octavia and she couldn’t wait to meet him.

They pulled into the driveway and Clarke felt her heart flutter excited to see Bellamy and Aurora once again. They carried her things into the house and she was immediately assaulted by the most delicious smell. Aurora had coming running out of the kitchen when they opened the door and had immediately developed Clarke in the biggest hug. After promising to tell her everything about school and how things are going, Aurora gave her a kiss on the forehead and ran back tothe food on the stove. They walked up to their room and put away Clarke’s stuff while Clarke begged herself to hold her tongue, not wanting to sound too desperate.

“Where’s Bellamy?” Clarke asked trying to sound causal.

“He said he’d be back soon, something about bringing home a surprise.” Octavia shrugged clearly uninterested and happy for the time away from her brother. Just as Clarke was about to ask a follow up question, she heard the door open downstairs and his laugh echo through the walls. A smile immediately spread across her face as her and Octavia made their way downstairs, Clarke practically taking the steps two at a time, ready to throw herself into his arms that she missed so dearly. She made it to the bottom of the stairs with her smile wide when she looked up and froze in place at the sight before her.

Bellamy had his arms wrapped around the waist of a kind-looking brunette girl with his lips pressed to hers, her arms around his neck. Clarke wouldn’t be surprised if a doctor had told her heart literally snapped in two at the sight because she felt like she’d been punched in the gut. Clarke continued to torture herself with sight in front of her until Octavia cleared her throat awkwardly. He pulled away and turned to face them smiling with his arm around her waist, holding her close.

“Clarke, you’re back!” He yelled to her smiling and she gave a halfhearted smile and a nod back. “Clarke, O, I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Gina!” He said excitedly.

_Girlfriend._ In the years she’s known him, Bellamy had brought home a ton of girls but girlfriend, that was new. She knew she had no right to feel this way but in that moment all Clarke wanted to do was slap him across the face and go lock herself in her room and cry. This was gonna be one hell of a Christmas, she thought bitterly.


	2. Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm so sorry for the super long wait but here is chapter 2 I hope you enjoy. I just finished school so chapters should be coming more often now but bare with me because I do have two other stories in progress at the moment! Thanks so much for all the support on the first chapter though and comments are greatly appreciated!!! <3

_Girlfriend_

The word was running through her head again and again like a broken record on repeat. It’s not like Bellamy hadn’t casually dated anyone before but the whole “girlfriend” thing and bringing her home for Christmas, _that_ was new.

“Hi it’s so great to meet both of you! I’ve heard such great things!” A warm voice broke her out of her trance. She gave the girl, _Gina_ , a small smile before bringing her eyes back to Bellamy. His grin was just as large as Gina’s especially as Aurora came into the room pulling Gina into a seemingly familiar hug. “It’s so nice to see you again Ms. Blake and I can not thank you enough for having me over Christmas, it was so kind of you to offer.”

“Of course sweetie and please call me Aurora.” She said sweetly as the two pulled apart.

_Offer?_ So Aurora not only knew about this but it was her idea? Inviting a practical stranger over to spend Christmas with their family, without even telling her or O. Clarke couldn’t believe it, _no_ , she could believe it, Aurora was one of the nicest women she knew of course she would offer up their home for her own son’s girlfriend for Christmas. She supposed that this must’ve been how Bellamy felt when Clarke first moved in, taking over his life. First his sister, then his mom and then his house, it was understandable as to why he didn’t quite like her at first. Maybe it would be the same with Gina? Maybe she’d grow to really like her and it was just getting over the initial shock of sharing her family. At least that’s what she tried to tell herself, desperate to avoid the unavoidable truth. It wasn’t sharing her family so much as it was losing Bellamy, even if she knew she technically never had him to begin with, not in that way at least.

“O, Clarke?” Bellamy questioned as both girls still stood mid way down the stairs, staring at the sight in front of them. Octavia was the first to break the silence as she finished the trip down the stairs, Clarke following close behind.

“I’m sorry for staring it’s just when my brother said he had a surprise for us, we weren’t really expecting a whole person.” She laughed a little sticking her hand out. Bellamy playfully shoved her as the two girls shook hands. “I’m Octavia, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Gina gave her a kind smile, she was very pretty. Brown silky hair, slender and tall, _Bellamy’s type_. Clarke tried to ignore the last part. After a short moment in silence, Clarke realized everyone was looking at her expectantly and so she quickly snapped out of her trance-like state of shock.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She faked a laugh and put on her best smile, walking forward and sticking out her hand. “I’m Clarke, so great to meet you.” She said looking at Gina and avoiding Bellamy’s _“What’s going on with you?”_ stare at all costs. After they’d all exchanged pleasantries, Aurora spoke up saying something about getting their coats and shoes off while Bellamy carried her bag up to his room. Gina was whisked away to the kitchen by Aurora to talk about food and the upcoming Christmas dinner which left Octavia and Clarke standing alone in the front hall dumbfounded.

“Did you know about this?” Clarke asked her best friend quietly. Octavia turned back towards Clarke with a look of confusion and concern plastered on her face. She grabbed her elbow and pulled her farther into the living.

“He told me about her but I promise I didn’t know about him bringing her home for Christmas.” Octavia explained and Clarke furrowed her brow.

“Oh, okay.” Clarke said trying to mask her hurt at that information. Octavia put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.

“Hey, you alright?” She asked, trying to gauge her reaction but it was too late, Clarke already put her walls up.

“Ya of course I’m fine, I’m happy for Bell.” She said focusing on keeping her voice void of any emotion other than happiness.

“ _Clarke_ ” Octavia spoke her name as if to say _I don’t believe you, tell me the truth._

“I’m fine O, I promise.” She put her hand over top her friends and gave it a reassuring squeeze just as her mother called her into the kitchen. Octavia gave Clarke a sad smile as she turned and began walking, calling out a loud,

“ _We’re talking about this later!_ ”

Before leaving the room completely. Clarke had barely a minute to compose herself before Bellamy came running down the stairs and immediately came barreling towards her. Before she knew it, she was off the ground and spinning around in his arms while he laughed and held her tight. Clarke put her arms around him but didn’t hold him tight like she usually would, especially after not seeing each other for so long. It just felt _wrong_ to her now, seeing as he had a girlfriend and all. She knew he never saw her like that to begin with and never would but it didn’t change the fact that Clarke couldn’t stop feeling that way.

After a moment, he placed her softly back on her own two feet and pulled away with a huge smile on his face. When his eyes met hers, his brow furrowed and the smile on his face morphed into a sort grimace as worry took over his expression.

“Hey, are you alright?” He asked softly and his words melted the anger and hurt she felt, even if only for a moment. She hated that he had that power over her, a touch from Bellamy or some kind words and even her biggest heart break didn’t seem like too big of a deal. She plastered the same smile on her face that she used with Octavia.

“Ya I’m fine.” Shenodded trying to reassure him but if Octavia saw through it, there was no hope Bellamy wouldn’t. He could read her like an open book, another thing she hated about him.

“You sure because earlier…” he trailed off concern not fading. “And just now you…” he continued seeming to get his point across without finishing. Clarke knew what he was talking about. She was acting weird and she knew exactly why but she wasn’t about to admit that to him but he was Bellamy, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. If she wanted him to drop it, she needed to give him something else, needed to lie and the best lies are closest to the truth. She’d give him _a_ truth just not _the_ truth.

“It’s just,” she paused, taking a deep breath and trying to hide her hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me about her? I thought we didn’t keep secrets Bell.” She gave a deep sigh and looked up at him in confusion. Bellamy frowned at her statement.

“I- I just wanted to tell you in person I guess. I didn’t think it was a big deal Clarke.” He stuttered seemingly a little confused and a little guilty.

“But you could tell O and not me?” She asked getting to the core of it.

“Clarke I -” he began but she cut him off. She didn’t want some half assed excuse and an apology, she wanted the truth but she already knew what it was.

“No Bell I get it. She’s your real sister and I’m just…” she paused, “…I don’t know, me.” She said looking straight at him as he heard what he said and that confusion became an expressions of disbelief.

“Clarke how could you even say - ” he began but soon enough Aurora was calling them both for dinner and she took that as her escape.

“I’m glad you’re here Bell, I missed you.” She gave him a sad smile and walked away leaving him standing there dumbfounded and at a loss for words.

…

Dinner had gone pretty smoothly if you ignore the fact that Octavia had been shooting pity filled glances towards Clarke the entire time while Bellamy stared her down in concern, only looking away when he had to speak. Somehow the conversations managed to reach Octavia’s vast collection of snow globes and she had offered to show Gina after they finished eating. Aurora had kindly offered to do the dishes tonight and give them a day off so that they could talk and catch up. Bellamy being Bellamy, had immediately grabbed Clarke by the elbow and practically dragged her outside to the back porch the second they were alone, eager to clear things up. They both sat quietly on the chairs outside for a minute before Bellamy broke the silence.

“Clarke if I _ever_ gave you the impression that you’re not one of the most important people in my life, then I am so sorry. It doesn’t matter if you’re not blood, you’re family too.” He said softly looking at her even as she refused to meet his gaze. He placed a warm hand on top of her own and gave it a kind squeeze. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner and this is gonna sound stupid but just hear me out. Octavia is blood,” she sighed and he took a finger under her chin turning her head to face him. “She doesn’t really have a choice when it comes to being my sister but you…” he paused. “You have a choice, you could just up and leave whenever you get sick of me. I’ve never really had a serious relationship before, at least not like this. I guess I was just worried about how you’d react okay? I know it’s irrational but I didn’t want to risk losing you, that’s why I wanted you to find out in person. So that if there was even a chance you were gonna take off, you’d have to get through me first.” He gave her a soft smile and a small laugh. As much as she tried not to, Clarke found herself smiling back at him.

“Bell you guys are my only family and have been for years, you know that. I’d never just leave, you’d have to do something pretty stupid to get me to stay away from you.” She laughed and so did he. “You’re stuck with me. Just no secrets next time.” She couldn’t ignore the genuine happiness and understanding at his confession. Even though it hadn’t been the primary reason as to why she was so upset, it still felt good to break down that wall of hurt she felt building up. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a tight side ways hug which should be uncomfortable but somehow for them, it wasn’t, it never was. They sat there for a few minutes just enjoying each other’s company after so long.

“So your birthdays coming up, excited?” He asked nudging her playfully while Clarke just rolled her eyes.

“Ya I just can’t wait for O to bug me non-stop about finding my supposed one true love, come midnight.” She said sarcastically but it didn’t slip her mind how she felt him slightly tense at the joke. She was going try change the subject to something more along the lines of Christmas and less getting her soul mark. Talking about soulmates with the boy you’re hopelessly in love with isn’t always the easiest thing. As she opened her mouth to talk, the door opened behind them and suddenly Gina was speaking.

“Oh, I’m so sorry for interrupting. Octavia just got done showing me her snow globes and she said you’d be out here.” She said as she nodded in Bellamy’s direction. “I can go if you guys need to talk.” She smiled kindly. The more Clarke heard her talk, the more upset she got. Not because she was rude or condensing or anything, in fact it was the opposite, she was kind and sweet and perfect for Bellamy and as much as Clarke wanted to hate her, she knew she couldn’t. The girl had done nothing wrong, Bellamy had done nothing wrong, it was all in her own head and she had to get over herself, get over the crazy fantasy she had in her head of someday being in a relationship with Bellamy Blake.

“No no, don’t worry we’re pretty much done here. I’ll leave you two to talk.” She smiled looking back and forth between Gina and Bellamy, the latter of which was giving her a sad smile in return. She quickly turned away and walked towards the door, saying a quick goodbye to Gina as they passed by each other and Clarke steppe d inside. She walked through the living room and up the stairs, making a beeline for Octavia’s room. Octavia was there sitting on the bed and Clarke came around the side and immediately collapsed onto it, huffing an overdramatic sigh. Octavia just laughed at her and moved over to make more room for Clarke on the bed. They sat in silence for a moment while Octavia played with Clarke’s hair mindlessly before the latter girl paused and took a breath as she was about to speak. Clarke could sense this and immediately squeezed her eyes shut mumbling a quiet,

“We’re fine O, _I’m fine_. I don’t really want to talk about it though.” Octavia nodded and sighed in defeat knowing it was better to not push her.

“So I know we talked about it a bit in the car and on the phone butttt….” She trailed off mischievously with a grin on her face.

“O, I already told you it’s not that big of a deal!” Clarke complained hugging a pillow to her chest and staring up at the ceiling. Her peaceful state was interrupted by Octavia shoving her, grabbing the pillow and smacking her with it.

“Clarke Griffin of course it’s a big deal it’s your 19th. You’re getting your soul mark in less than a week!” She exclaimed after the two had calmed down a little.

“You don’t know that.” Clarke said quietly, more to herself but half hoping Octavia would hear and half hoping she wouldn’t. _She heard._

“What do you mean?” She asked staring at her friend quizzically.

“I mean,” she paused, taking the moment to sit up and face Octavia, sitting with the pillow in her lap as she nervously twiddled her thumbs. “I mean not everyone gets a soul mark O. Maybe I just, won’t get one.” She sighed, refusing to fully meet Octavia’s eyes. She’d never expressed such concerns before to the girl before and she knew Octavia would be more than a little confused. Not everyone got a soul mark, it wasn’t necessarily rare to not get one but it wasn’t really common either. It was the sort of thing most people never thought would happen to them but everyone seemed to know someone who didn’t get one. Deep down Clarke had always been more than a little worried that she wouldn’t get a mark, would that mean she was unloveable?

“Clarke,” Octavia sighed. “You are one of the most kind, selfless, genuine people I know and I promise you, you are getting a mark.” She said with confidence clear in her voice.

“Fine let’s say I do get a mark, who’s to say I’m even ever going to find them. I mean you and Lincoln got lucky O. Bell’s had his mark for years and he still hasn’t found his soulmate.” Clarke tried to reason but Octavia just rolled her eyes.

“Bell? Really Clarke you’re using Bell as your evidence? You and I both know that Bell doesn’t want to find his soulmate, he’s not even looking!” Octavia raised her voice and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Fine maybe Bellamy isn’t the prime example but you know what I mean. Plenty of people never even find their soulmates, O. Take my parents for example.” Clarke said looking down and at this Octavia grew a little more serious, putting her hand on Clarke’s back and rubbing soothing circles. Clarke rarely spoke of her parents and the fact that she was now just showed Octavia how worried she really was.

“Clarke,” she said softly. “Your parents were happy together, they were in love. It didn’t matter to them that they weren’t soulmates.” She said pulling her best friend into her embrace.

“I know, I know I’m sorry this is stupid. I’m getting all worked up about nothing.” She said laughing a little while wiping a few stray tears from under her eyes.

“Hey, I get it don’t worry. Just don’t stress about it Clarke, I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s perfect for you and you’ll find them when the time is right, soul mark or no soul mark.” The two girls smiled at each other and Clarke just lay in her friends arms for a little while longer, both of them just happy to be in the other’s arms after so long apart. Clarke took comfort in Octavia’s words she really did but it didn’t stop the thoughts from crossing her mind, one thought in particular she wouldn’t dare share with Octavia.

_What if I’m already in love with someone else?_

Maybe if Octavia was anyone else she could tell her about her feelings for Bellamy but she wasn’t. She was Octavia, not just her best friend Octavia but also Bellamy’s little sister Octavia. They were her family and even telling Octavia, that would put everything at risk. Ever since her father died, the Blakes had been practically her whole life and admitting she had, well has, feelings for Bell, especially unrequited ones, would ruin everything she had going for her. It was stupid of her to fall for Bellamy Blake in the first place but he just made it so god damn easy to.

“Clarke?” Octavia’s questioning voice snapped her out of her train of thought.

“I’m sorry what?” Clarke asked and Octavia just chuckled.

“I asked you how you want to celebrate your birthday?” She said lightly but knowing Octavia she was already formulating plans for some big party.

“O, it’s still five days from now and I told you nothing big. I just miss my family, you know? All I want is a nice dinner at home with the four of us,” Clarke furrowed her brow, “well I guess the five of us.” Octavia nodded. The whole Gina being with them for Christmas meant she would also be here for Clarke’s birthday. It was going be strange to say the least, a bit of adjustment. Birthday’s in the Blake family had always just been the four of them, of course the three kids would always have parties but the actual days had always just been their family. It wasn’t really that Clarke minded including Gina in their little tradition it was just different, a big change and change always takes time getting used to.

“Boringgggg.” Octavia cried out dramatically and Clarke just laughed at her. After a couple more hours of arguing back and forth, watching Netflix, gossiping and catching up on each other’s lives, the two girls went to sleep. They shared the bed like always, even after Clarke had moved in the two were best friends and rarely fought and Octavia’s bed was big enough so they shared. Aurora had insisted on buying Clarke a bed of her own on multiple occasions but the girls loved it how it was, it was like a sleepover every night for them. After a long day and lots of stress it felt nice for Clarke to just fall asleep talking with her best friend as a movie played in the background, just like the good old days.

…

The next day had gone as well as expected. Clarke finally got to talk with Aurora who questioned her non-stop about how school was going and if she was still doing her art on the side, which she was. Clarke spent the majority of her day avoiding seeing Bell and Gina being all touchy feely and around lunch when they were cuddling on the couch watching a movie, Clarke decided to call it. She grabbed Octavia by the wrist and dragged her through the door yelling that they were going out shopping when Aurora shot a questioning glance their way.

“Not that I’m complaining or anything, you know I’m always down to do some shopping with my bestie, but what was that all about?” Octavia asked clearly confused as she buckled up her seat belt.

“What was what all about?” Clarke asking trying to act oblivious as she pulled the car out of the drive way.

“Come on Clarke, don’t play dumb with me.” Octavia said laughing and rolling her eyes.

“I just wanted to get out of the house, sick of being cooped up all day. I had some last Christmas shopping to do anyway so I figured I might as well get it done now, before everything closes for the holidays.” Clarke explained hoping her lie was good enough and Octavia would just drop it. It wasn’t a complete lie, there was still a couple gifts she needed to buy but she planned on going tomorrow. It was just too nauseating watching Bellamy sit with his arm around Gina, running his fingers through her hair as she cuddled into him. She’d been in that exact position with Bellamy many times before but with Clarke she knew it was always as his friend or even his sister, with Gina… Clarke couldn’t even finish the thought without a sadness and anger starting to bubble in her chest.

“Okay.” Octavia laughed and agreed to drop it even though it was clear she could tell there was more to the story, the two had always been good at reading each other.

…

The two girls spent the rest of the afternoon at the mall going from shop to shop buying gifts and clothes, even though they knew they shouldn’t, until it was getting dark out and their hands were full. They left the mall, packing the numerous bags into the trunk of the car and blasted the radio singing their hearts out to old hits the whole way home. By the time they pulled into the driveway, Clarke had managed to forget all about the thoughts troubling her when they left. They grabbed their bags from the car and walked into the house laughing as they made stupid jokes

“Looks like you two had a productive afternoon.” Aurora laughed, nodding towards the bags in their hands.

“Yuppp,” Octavia said popping the p. “We sure did.” The two girls looked at each other and laughed.

“Can I help with the bags?” Aurora asked making her way to Clarke’s side who immediately pulled away.

“Sorry! Just there’s gifts in here and we want to keep them a surprise.” Clarke explained and Aurora shook her head at them and laughed.

“Alright, Alright. Dinner’s almost ready. Go put the bags in your room, then wash up and head down for supper please.” She asked them.

“Yes Ma’am.” Octavia respond and Aurora rolled her eyes as the two scurried up the stairs towards their room just like when they were kids. They dropped off their bags and washed their hands before making their way to the dining table to eat. Granted that Clarke’s break had started off on a not so great note, she was happy now, having fun. Even if some things sucked she decided she wouldn’t wallow around, she was going to make the best of a bad situation just like she had with O this afternoon.

Not long after, everyone arrived at the dinner table serving themselves. After a chorus of; _thank you, this smells delicious, can you pass some please_ and _mmmm’_ s, everyone had gotten food on their plates. There was some light conversation during dinner but for the most part everyone was just enjoying the delicious meals in front of them. It was not until Bellamy had almost finished eating when he cleared his throat to speak and all eyes went to him. He was holding Gina’s hand over the table and Clarke tried not to look at the sight in front of her, keeping her head down or looking directly at Bellamy.

“Um, Gina and I have an announcement.” He said awkwardly and so unlike the Bellamy she knew. “Although we really enjoy being here, we’re actually going to spend Christmas and the rest of the break up in Ohio, with Gina’s family.” Clarke felt her chest tighten and she dropped her fork which made a loud clatter and everyone’s heads turned to her as she muttered a quiet, _sorry_ , not trusting her voice right now.

“You’re not even going to stay for Christmas Bell?” Aurora asked with a furrowed brow.

“Uh, we’re going to spend Christmas Eve here and then make the drive overnight to spend Christmas morning there.” He explained scratching the back of her head. _Leaving Christmas Eve? And he said they were spending the rest of the break there that meant…_ Octavia seemed to put 1 and 2 together around the same time Clarke did.

“You’re missing Clarke’s birthday?!” She yelled across the table. Clarke wouldn’t lift her head in fear of her emotions betraying her. The room around them was silent, Bellamy wouldn’t speak. At once it just became too much to handle and Clarke stood up suddenly, all eyes were on her.

“I - Um, excuse me I have to - Dinner was delicious thank you so much Aurora.” She decided on as she hurriedly walked out of the room and made a beeline for the stairs. She ran up taking the steps two at a time before turning into Octavia’s room, locking herself in the bathroom and turning on the fan to mask her quiet sobs.

Not only would he never love her like she wanted him to but now he’d made it abundantly clear that despite his earlier reassurances, her fears were right. She didn’t matter to him, at least no where near as much as Gina ever would.

_Message received loud and clear Bellamy_.

She thought to herself as she covered her ears to block out the yelling coming from the dining room down below.


	3. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people I'm back with an update! Once again I'm so sorry for the long wait but I just wanna thank all of you for the amazing support on this story and my others, you guys are the best!!! This chapter is kinda a dive into Clarke's mind but also has some new information so I hope you enjoy. As always please let me know what you think, comments are so greatly appreciated!!! Ily all and happy reading <3

It was never supposed to go like this, this wasn’t part of the plan but, then again, neither was Bellamy bringing home his _girlfriend_ for Christmas. How ever much that might’ve hurt Clarke, it was no where near the pain and heartbreak she felt at his newest actions. _He was Leaving_.

She was not a child. She understood he had other responsibilities and other people in his life now, but that didn’t change how much it still hurt. Ever since the accident, Christmas and along with it, _her birthday_ , had always been kind of a rough spot for Clarke. It was the first major holiday she had to celebrate after losing her dad and her relationship with her mom, and let’s just say the first year around, Clarke hadn’t really been in the celebratory mood. Having her birthday so soon after just served as another painful reminder of everything she’d lost so quickly and how much she missed her dad.

Ever since that first year passed, the Blake’s made it their responsibility to give her a good Christmas. Knowing how hard that time was for her, they did everything in their power to get her mind off things and to make her smile again. Bellamy was the first one to get through to her, make her laugh on her birthday, not just forced laughter that Clarke made herself put on to keep her walls up but _real, genuine laughter._ At the time, they hadn’t been close and didn’t talk too much but she remembered that moment like it was just yesterday.

…

_Clarke was having a hard day and they all knew it. Everyone expected it as well, seeing how hard Christmas was for her, having her first birthday without her parents was bound to be even worse. Her mom had called earlier in the morning and wished her a happy birthday but she sent it straight to voicemail, not wanting to hear her mother wish the daughter she abandoned, a “happy birthday”, especially when Clarke knew it would be anything but. Everyone was silent during dinner that night but when Aurora brought out a cake for dessert, Clarke plastered on one of those fake smiles she had been so used to and gave her a genuine thank you. She was grateful, she really was, but it was just all too much for her to handle._

_As soon as she blew out the candles, she thanked them all again and then excused herself before the cake was even cut, saying she was gonna get some air. She heard Octavia yell her name and she heard Aurora yell something more or less along the lines of; be safe, but what she hadn’t heard, was Bellamy following her out the door and down the street. Clarke was crouched down with her back against a tree at the edge of the forest that lined the dead end of the Blake’s street. It wasn’t until he sat next to her, leaning against the same tree when she looked up from the ground and saw him._

_“Hey princess, you taking a walk in the woods?” He asked her teasingly and Clarke stayed silent for a moment, trying to calm her anger at him before she responded. Couldn’t he see that she was upset, why would he follow her all the way here just to tease her?_

_“I told you not to call me that.” She spoke roughly back refusing to face towards him and anger evident in her voice. He just laughed at her and that made her even more mad._

_“You’re an ass Blake.” She said swiping away at the stray tears that managed to find themselves running down her cheeks._

_“Exactly Griffin, I’m an ass.” She looked up, confused at this odd admission of his. “Meaning I’m not gonna go get all sentimental on you when you tell me how you’re really feeling.” After a moment of hesitation Clarke gave in, she need to talk to someone about everything and for some reason that someone had landed up being Bellamy Blake, not her best friend, nor the woman who’d taken her into her family but Bellamy._

_Clarke pulled out her phone and Bellamy watched in silence, waiting for her to make the next move. She opened her voicemails and hit play on the most recent one._

_“Hi sweetie. Happy birthday. I loaded up an extra $200 onto your card so feel free to buy anything you want. I love you Clarke.” Her mother’s stoic voice rang out in the silence around them. The message ended and Clarke and Bellamy sat still for a moment before he turned to her and broke the quiet enveloping them._

_“Wow princess, a whole $200 to spend for your birthday gift now I totally get why you’re so upset.” Bellamy said teasingly. Clarke looked away and scoffed._

_“Forget it. Just go home Bellamy, you wouldn’t understand.” She said feeling disappointed but she knew it was her own fault for letting herself hope, Bellamy Blake would never be able to help her._

_“Look Clarke, I was kidding.” He sighed. “I get it, life’s hard. Your dad’s gone, your mom sucks and you don’t really feel like celebrating that but hey! At least you got O right, and my mom and..” he trailed off. “..and most importantly, of course, me.” He said smirking at her with that joking grin of his she had seen before when he was around O, but had never really been on the receiving end of herself. For the first time in a long time, Clarke laughed. She laughed and she smiled and for a brief moment, even if it had only lasted a few seconds, Clarke found herself not completely and totally miserable. She found herself having hope that maybe things wouldn’t always hurt so bad, hoping that maybe one day things could be normal again for her, a new normal._

_She wouldn’t exactly call it a turning point in their relationship but from them on, things shifted a little, the air between them seemed to be a little less dense. They still didn’t talk much after that night but they joked around every now and then, which mostly consisted of Bellamy teasingly calling her princess. She would always object to it, of course she would, but deep down, it was growing on her and she didn’t really mind the name anymore, if anything she found it kind of sweet. It was their thing. They had a thing and that made Clarke happy for some unexplainable reason._

__

…

Well back then the reason had been unexplainable to Clarke’s 14 year old brain in which she convinced herself Bellamy Blake was an ass who she could learn to tolerate, _at best,_ but now, now Clarke knew the real reason. It was the same damn reason that had tortured her every second of every day since the moment she admitted it to herself. That was a pity party to throw herself on another day though, right now, the words he spoke at dinner refused to leave her alone.

Since her father passed away, Christmas was always hard for Clarke, her birthday harder but with Bellamy, Octavia and Aurora, it had been a little bit easier to bare. Bellamy knew that, he knew how important the Christmas/birthday week was to her, to their family and yet he was still leaving, without even talking to her first, that’s what truly hurt the most. Even if he planned on leaving all along, she just couldn’t wrap her head around why he wouldn’t talk to her first. It was like the whole thing with not telling her about Gina all over again. Clarke didn’t know when it happened but some time along the many blurred days she spent alone up at Arkadia state working her ass off to get a medical degree, he stopped caring about her, at least not in the way he used to, and that broke her heart.

It was bad enough that she knew she’d spend endless days to come wallowing in self-pity, thinking about her unrequited love, but the realization that everything between them was different now was a thousand times worse. Maybe it was her fault for choosing to go to school far away, or maybe spending too much time working, or maybe it was because she didn’t visit often enough, but it also could’ve been that she was delusional and he never even really cared about her as much as she thought. Maybe she just made it all up, built up their relationship in her head and fooled herself into thinking that he cared. There were so many possibilities that were running through Clarke’s mind as she tried to mask the pain and hurt she was feeling with confusion and doubt.

The faint yelling from downstairs had long faded and it took Clarke about a minute to register that someone was knocking on the locked bathroom door she had her back pressed up against. It took herself another minute to out herself together another to call out the words she did next.

“I’m fine O.” She yelled, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible.

“Clarke that’s obviously not true, just let me in!” Octavia yelled back, still banging her fist on the door. Clarke was grateful for everything O did for her, she truly was an amazing best friend, but even though she didn’t want to admit it to herself, deep down she was really hoping Bellamy would be the one to come after her. He would sit her down and tell her he made a mistake and he wasn’t leaving. He would tell her he never wanted to hurt her and erase all her doubts about his feelings towards her, reassuring he cared about her and she was family. He would squeeze her hands in his and tell her how much he’s secretly loved her for years. Alright to be fair, the last part was more of a wishful fantasy she’d think about all the time, but the other part was true. All she wanted was for Bellamy to explain, for him to care enough to explain. The familiar sting of disappointment hit again as she heard Octavia’s voice on the other side of that door, Bellamy seemingly no where close behind.

“ _Clarke_ ” Octavia said softer this time, stopping her endless banging on the locked bathroom door. Clarke reached up and unlocked the door, moving her body out of the way. Octavia had seen her at her worst before and she pretty much always saw through the acts Clarke would try and put on when she was upset. At this point it was obvious Clarke wasn’t okay, after her whole outburst at dinner even _Gina_ , who barely even knew her, could probably tell. There was no use in hiding from her friend trying to be there for her in a time of hurt, especially when that friend was probably feeling a lot of the same pain and betrayal she was. After all, O was Bellamy’s sister and obviously from her display at dinner, he hadn’t bothered to tell her about this little trip either.

Octavia opened the door and immediately shut it behind her, as Clarke heard the familiar click of the lock. The latter girl moved wordlessly towards the opposite wall where Clarke had relocated and moved to sit down beside her. Without breaking the silence between them, or even so much as making eye contact seeing as Clarke was currently staring at a spot on the tile floor, Octavia put her arm around Clarke’s shoulders and pulled her into her side. Clarke let it happen, she really wasn’t in a position to fight back right now. She was tired of putting up her walls, especially around one of her best friends, her sister.

“My brother’s a massive dick.” Octavia said dead serious after a couple minutes of sitting in silence. Clarke let out a small chuckle, she wasn’t happy or anything but she couldn’t help herself.

“That he is.” Clarke smiled sadly and let her head fall onto O’s shoulder. Silence surrounded them once more as both girls tried to process what had just happened.

“Look Clarke,” Octavia sighed. “Bellamy knows how important this week is to you, to all of us. I sure as hell didn’t give him an easy time down there, so maybe he’ll pull his head out of his ass, get himself together and fix things.” She said trying to offer a shred of hope that she knew Clarke was so desperately in need of right now but unfortunately it didn’t work.

“There’s nothing to fix O.” Clarke said sounded all too defeated. “I mean I get it, he has a girlfriend now, things are bound to be different.” She picked her head up and looked towards Octavia. “It’s my fault really. I shouldn’t’ve thrown a temper tantrum and run upstairs to mope. He has a girlfriend and that means things are changing. One way or another I have to be okay with that, no matter if it’s hard for me. Bellamy is one of the three most important people in my life and just because he doesn’t feel the same way doesn’t mean-” Octavia’s face fell.

“Woah, slow down Clarke.” The other girl said cutting her off. “My brother may be a total idiot but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Clarke you have to know that Gina could never replace you.” Octavia sighed placing a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder. “You’re family.” She said softly, furrowing her brows and Clarke wanted to believe her, she really did but Bellamy had said tired to say the same thing to her earlier before popping the big news on her and so she just couldn’t. She wasn’t in the mood to argue with O or have her pity her so she didn’t show that. Instead she just nodded her head, closed her eyes and let herself feel at peace, if only momentarily, in her best friend’s arms.

…

“I can’t believe you’re doing this Bellamy!” She heard Octavia’s angry voice as she walked down the stairs. “You, _of all people_ , know how important this week is to her. Not to mention it’s her 19th!” She heard Bellamy’s loud sigh even from a couple rooms away.

“Drop it O.” She heard him say tiredly just before she entered the room and all eyes turned to her.

“Hey Clarke.” Octavia said smiling, oblivious to the fact that Clarke had just heard what they were talking about.

“Hey.” Clarke putting on a forced smile and avoiding making eye contact with either of the two pairs of eyes she could feel on her. She squeezed past O, keeping her head down as she poured herself a cup of coffee from the steaming pot. After about two minutes of tense silence, he finally spoke.

“So uh,” he started awkwardly clearing his throat. “For tomorrow night, I figure we can do gifts first and then a movie if that’s alright because Gina and I have to be on the road by eleven.” Bellamy spoke cautiously. Octavia scoffed and rolled her eyes while Clarke just hummed in agreement. After a short moment of silence, she finally looked up to see the two staring at her with very different expressions. Octavia had her brow furrowed and looked somewhere between confused, concerned and upset. Bellamy just looked straight up relieved, probably just happy that she was _seemingly_ okay, which she really wasn’t.

“I just mean, you guys are welcome to do whatever you want,” she paused to explain. “I have plans tomorrow night though, so I won’t be here.” At this, both their faces dropped and Clarke took the moment to take her cup and leave the room.

It wasn’t like it was lie, she really did have plans, she just happened to leave out the fact that she had purposely made those plans to avoid spending any more time with Bellamy. After Octavia and her had finished talking the night before, they’d gone to bed but Clarke hadn’t really been able to sleep. She knew she shouldn’t have reacted how she did and that it was perfectly reasonable that Gina wanted to spend Christmas with her family and that Bellamy wanted to spend Christmas with Gina, subsequently missing her birthday as well. After all, it all made perfect sense but that didn’t stop the hurt Clarke felt from it, even if she knew it wasn’t warranted.

She’d decided she’d forgive him, move past it, accept it and enjoy what little time she had left with him before he left and she would be back up at University not long after. At least she did until she got up to brush her teeth and overheard a conversation on her way to the bathroom. It’s not like she had meant to eavesdrop or anything, really she just walked by his room on her way and the walls were pretty thin. 

…

_“Bell it’s not too late to change your mind, it’s obvious your family really wants you here. I mean, you’ve already met my parents and they love you. Besides, I saw them last weekend and you haven’t seen Clarke in so long not to mention your Mom and even Octavia. I really would love to stay and just get to know them all better. To tell you the truth Bell, I’d rather spend the break with your family anyways, I’m not really in the mood to deal with my parent’s bickering on Christmas.” Clarke heard Gina’s voice echo._

_“G, we already talked about this. I really can’t be here for Christmas this year and unless you wanna spend it in my apartment up on campus, your parent’s place is our best option.” Bellamy responded sounding somewhat annoyed._

_“Fine. I just don’t understand why you don’t want to spend the holidays with your family who you’ve obviously missed. I don’t get you Blake.” She said quizzically._

_“I need you to trust me G. I can’t it explain it but I just don’t want to be here for Christmas.” He pleaded._

_“Fine Bell, but if you’re forcing me to deal with my parents for the rest of the break then I get dibs on the box of Oreos back at your place.” Said Gina with a sigh._

_“Deal.” He said with a laugh._

_Clarke felt her heart stutter for a quick moment while she tried to compose herself and understand what she had just overheard. She stumbled back towards her and Octavia’s room as whatever thoughts she had of brushing her teeth had vanished, only being able to think about him. She let herself feel hurt again for about five minutes before doing what she did best, putting up her walls and masking her pain with anger. It was one thing for Bellamy to leave, miss Christmas and her birthday and not tell her about, for the sake of his girlfriend but finding out that she didn’t even want to go and he did, well that was a completely different story._

_It was pathetic really, she’d decided. Clarke had spent months away at university not only pining over a guy who’d never love her back but also just missing her best friend while he apparently didn’t care about her at all. When she found out he hadn’t told her about Gina, she bought right into his apology which had obviously just been to spare her feelings. Looking back on it now, she felt so stupid for thinking that everything would always stay the same between them. Somewhere along the lines things changed for Bellamy, unfortunately for her she never really got the memo, she still loved him as her best friend like she had for years, even disregarding her romantic feelings for him._

_These new realizations brought on some more hurt but once again she managed to cover up that hurt with anger. That’s what led to Clarke texting Raven at one in the morning and asking her if she wanted to hit the bar, flirt with some guys and get insanely drunk on Christmas Eve. Raven and her had been good friends since high school and Clarke was grateful to have her in her life. When she found out Finn was cheating on her, she was initially crushed but looking back on it, she could not have been more thankful for that experience for it was exactly that heartbreak that brought Raven and herself together. They initially bonded on their mutual hatred on the boy who had played with both their hearts but eventually their friendship blossomed into something more, something deeper and no longer only revolving around their douchebag ex._

_Octavia was Clarke’s best friend, so was Bellamy, but they were also family to her and as much as she loved them, sometimes she just needed someone with a little more perspective, distance, Raven was that someone for her. Octavia never really got along with her not that they didn’t like each other but the two girls just never seemed to click. She would never admit it to O but Clarke kinda liked it that way. Octavia was like her sister and they shared everything so it was nice for Clarke to have something, someone, just for herself, especially in high school._

_Now that Clarke was in school for pre-med and Raven was in some fancy and prestigious engineering program, the two stayed friends mostly over the texts and late night facetimes. She meant to get in touch with Raven anyways sometime over the break to finally hang out seeing as they were both home for the holidays, so tomorrow night would be as good a time as ever. Raven grew up without her father and moved out her mom’s place as soon as she turned eighteen because her home situation was never great. She never had a good relationship with her mother and didn’t have it great growing up, never celebrated holidays like Christmas anyways. The two girl’s home situations hadn’t been that far off, at least after she lost her dad and before she felt like a part of the Blake family, but nonetheless, it was nice for the both of them to have someone understand._

_Raven had texted back almost immediately with a simple, “I’m so in!!!”, and with that Clarke had put down her phone and tried to fall asleep. If Bellamy didn’t care about missing Christmas and her birthday, no scratch that, if Bellamy wanted to miss Christmas and her birthday, then she wouldn’t bother spending any more time with him. As for Octavia and Aurora, it would suck not being with them for Christmas Eve but in the long run, she knew she’d have time with them for Christmas Day, her birthday and the rest of the break so in the long run, she was happy with her decision. Okay not exactly happy, but she called it, “making the best of a bad situation”._

_…_

That’s what lead to Clarke announcing that she’d be away for Christmas Eve this year, in manner not so different to Bellamy’s, and then strutting out of the kitchen like nothing was wrong. Of course though, something was wrong, Octavia knew it, Aurora would know it, Raven would figure it out the minute they saw each other and even though she hated the idea, Bellamy obviously knew it as well.

“What do you mean you have plans?” Octavia called out trailing not far behind her.

“I mean,” she paused turning around to face the other girl. “I made plans with a friend and I’m going out tomorrow night so I won’t be here.” Clarke said as if it had made perfect sense, which to the Blake siblings it didn’t.

“Clarke it’s Christmas Eve.” She heard Bellamy call as she was already turning back around. That made her angry. The fact that he thought he had any right to be upset right now, it made her angry but she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of seeing how hurt she really was. Instead she took a calming deep breathe before moving again to face him and Octavia.

“I’m aware.” She said trying to keep her cool.

“It’s the last time we’re gonna be all together until March break.” He tried to keep arguing and she was about to snap.

“I’m not the one to blame for that Bellamy.” She said with a somewhat snarky tone. The second she spoke those words his face dropped.

“Clarke I-” he tried to start again but she quickly cut him off before things could escalate any further.

“I’m gonna head out for a run, see you guys later.” She said at once, putting her now empty mug down with a little more force than what was strictly required. She made her way out the living room and to the door before leaving the house. This time no one called after or followed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I hoped you enjoyed! I know parts of this chapter were a little confusing, especially the Gina + Bell conversation but I promise everything will be made clear soon. Thank you all for the support and please leave a comment with feedback or your opinions if you can! <3


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